Well, nothing is particularly familiar to me in my life right now so what have I got to loose? What if I didn’t snap right back into position like a rubber band that gets too stretched out and snaps back to it’s original shape?

What if I just keep stretching my neck out into the uncomfortable, yet exciting energy in front of me, sensing, smelling, feeling what’s out there and going wherever my senses lead me?

And inside I am screaming! How can the world just continue to go about it’s business when I have all these volcanic rumblings going on inside me?

And I’m also fascinated. Like, “hey body, I know something major, major is up and how can I facilitate more ease with this? Oh, and by the way? How long do you think you will be on this minimal eating/sleeping thing? Just curious. It’s kind of getting embarrassing… and a little alarming?”

And truthfully, it’s not just the weight loss or the lack of sleep. It’s all kinds of things up for grabs like – nails, hair, makeup, jewelry, clothing. You see, 8 years ago, when i got divorced and began a relationship with a woman I changed everything. And now, it’s time to change everything again. The commitments I bought into 8 years ago – never have long hair, never have long nails, never wear makeup, never wear dresses, never dress up, never feel too sexy… just aren’t working for me anymore. I want things I haven’t wanted in a very long time.

I’m a hider by nature. Goes back lifetimes….I relish in the hiding. I’m super comfortable there. I hide all kinds of stuff – but mostly how I’m feeling from the people I’m closest to, as well as my deepest, darkest desires that don’t fit so well into the life I have created. I lock it all up inside and then get really, really busy (and resentful) so I never have to deal with what’s true.

But then I mixed in an awful lot of Access classes and an awful lot of Access people and … Rebellion and enlightenment. My body is saying “nope, I ain’t playing that game anymore…and I ain’t hiding your SHIT anymore.You can still try to hide but I am no longer going to be your accomplice and I’m not hiding it for you.”

And part of me is thrilled! “Ok, body, I see what you’re doing. I will go with this… for a little while.. and see where we end up. I know you are wanting change, demanding it really, and I’m willing to indulge you as best I can, for now… ”

And an unraveling occurred. My barriers started coming down and with each class I took, I met people who I was fascinated by, longed to connect with, and was excited to learn about.

And I started coming out, realizing some of my gifts, exploring new options for myself, my being and my life. And everything started to change.

I now have friends and people I adore in all parts of the world and I am so excited to connect with them (thanks Facebook!) as often as I do! I am amazed by who they are and what they do in the world. I love that they are just a post, message, email, or text away at all hours of the day or night. And I love thinking about them being in my world, what they may be creating at this very minute and what is possible now that they are in my life.

And if you are reading this, YOU are probably one of them!!!

Is there a word that goes beyond gratitude? I think I need to create one!

I felt the same way with the 30 day Body Challenge some months ago! Actually, that was where I first started posting on FB at all!! Kind of weird to think I’m completely new to Facebook just 5 months ago! I had never posted a single thing till the 30 day Body Challenge nor had an outlet for my writing except for an occasional email. Talk about a game changer!

And so I stall. How do I even describe what’s going on with my body and energy after my 3 classes in Denmark? The intensity and energy I am feeling almost all the time is potent. I can palpably FEEL the creative juices flowing like a raging river through every cell. I don’t want to eat, sleep is brief, and I am hungry, sooooo hungry…. and this hunger is not new to me. I’ve always been hungry as long as I can remember. And I have tried so hard to manage this hunger with food (and/or drama)…which led me down a slippery slope to self-judgment and constant psychic pain.

So now, after last week, my hunger is revealed to be something else entirely that doesn’t have to do with food at all. ( A few demon clearings during my 2 body classes and a discussion about entities have also helped immensely…) And I am left with the sometimes overwhelming and humongous hunger to create!

Amazing things are happening both with my writing and my riding AND lots of discomfort has come up as well as I wonder how to BE in this space that is soooo intense right now…will I actually combust? And is that a question? or one of those conclusion thingys with a question mark attached?

I can’t tell you how grateful I felt in that moment and how even though I knew it wasn’t the worst thing in the world to loose my possessions, I was also reminded how much the universe does take care of me, pretty much continuously and constantly.

When my suitcase decided yet again not to show up at the baggage claim in Dallas and i was told they had no idea where my bag was or what was going on with it, I was again faced with the loss of my belongings! Could I really just let go of ALL that stuff? (This was actually quite a lot considering I was gone for 12 days and had to pack for basically 3 different seasons of weather. Plus I am a total over packer – If my suitcase has any room in it at all, I go ahead and shove 10 more shirts in there!!)

Although this was very discouraging and alarming, what no one seemed to take into account was that I had just taken 3 Access Consciousness classes, 2 of them being body classes and I was total space. I felt wonderful, joyful, and in communion with my body in a way I didn’t even know was possible before last week. So I totally forgot about my suitcase and went about my business the next day being overjoyed to see and be with my horses, get back into my barn routine — lessons, trainer, riding, horse chiropractor, boarders, feed, hay, stablehands, dogs. I didn’t even think to call once to see where the heck my suitcase was!!

Oops! So my suitcase decided to find me instead. They delivered it without me going through one ounce of stress or worry the entire day! Hummmmm…. just how much stress and worry have I clung to to justify getting a desired outcome and how much have I attached suffering and hard work to getting what I want and “making” something happen?

What if I never stressed again but was just the space that I truly be, trusting that the universe has not abandoned me? And what if just by staying with the energy of joy and peace in my body, all the possibilities of the universe open up to do my bidding with total ease? I wonder….

Oh sure, i have been getting little blurbs here and there and the small trinkets I get are like massive nukes which blow up my entire universe and everything I’ve ever even thought about or considered with creating.

And just from those tidbits, my whole notion of creation is changing. And now I have no excuses NOT to create and SO… I am massively creating!! And it’s about all this body can handle right now and it’s about one of the best things I have ever done and been a part of.

And as I am leaving her paddock, one of my boarder’s horses walks near, whose owner never comes out to see her, and gives me a look and I give her one right back, exchanging the information that I’m here for her, too, no matter what — that I will feed, water, groom and take care of her to the best of my ability for as long as she requires it. Basically, that I have her back. And I know that she knows it. I don’t give her a pat, I don’t say a word to her, I don’t spend more than a moment acknowledging her. But as I leave her and Gypsy’s paddock to go in for the night, I feel this overwhelming sense of communion with her wash over me and the startling sense that the universe has my back too.