Everything seems to be completely falling away. After a humongous spirt of creativity and amazing juices flowing, all of a sudden I become aware that some of the things I so loved to do, lived to do, are no longer even relevant in my world right now. How can the energy change so frigging fast that I am not even fully aware that I have been catapulted into a completely different reality with my choices?

I am resisting it, of course, because I keep trying to make some logical sense of how I could change so radically and intensely but if I really look at it… is it soooo surprising and shocking? Haven’t I been asking for change? Actively seeking it? Even spouting off about how much I LOVE change (be careful what you ask for…) and then when it hits (and hits hard!) KABOOM!

So I scramble quickly back to some familiar state of hopelessness, rejection and despair to try to find some balance point in this equation. And it was totally working until I said… wait a minute. Is this whole thing a total lie and have I been living in a state of complete denial?

Because if I don’t go into some old pathetic pattern here, I may just have to admit that my journey doesn’t depend on anyone or anything but me and I’m not gonna let anyone or anything hold me back. And I may also admit that what I am taking as complete rejection is just another choice and that the elated feeling I had just 2 days ago could be renewed…

I mean I got caught up in someone else’s trajectory which was really, really fun for a week and then when it petered out or didn’t remain sustainable I took a nosedive. I stopped writing, I stopped feeling fantastic about myself, I stopped loving my life.

But something was just so fun about it and it created tremendous joy and excitement for me, and shed so much light on other parts of my life and other things I so desire in my life… So what would it take for me to feel and be that fun and excitement with or without someone else’s constant feedback, admiration, and support?  I think it’s called choice.