Writing and I now have a pretty cool relationship. But it wasn’t always that way.  I honestly didn’t even know that I had anything worth writing about until a few months ago.   I mean, I had dabbled in all the usual writing outlets over the years:  journaling growing up (but had to burn all those spirals because re-reading / re-living all the drama made me wanna puke!!); various jobs in public relations writing press releases, media kits, newsletters, event proposals, and speeches (fun for about 2 seconds and only because I worked with some really cute girls and guys!!); and book ideas that lasted about a paragraph, maybe a full page, before I quit.

Seemed like I was always trying to mine my negative past experiences. I mean based on the best sellers, that’s what we’re supposed to do, right? –  hash out all your horrible childhood tales, and then expound on whatever the lesson and/or transformation is at the end? Although at times I do like to wallow and have a pity party for myself as much as the next person, this reliable formula really had no generative spark for me whatsoever.

Several friends and acquaintances repeatedly suggested I write a book about my adventures after moving out to my horse ranch 5 years ago, which only briefly saw the light of day as a blog on my barn’s website for 3 whole posts, but even this left me feeling flat and empty.

And then my dad died 2 years ago.  No one else even considered writing a speech for the funeral service, so I volunteered.  Although it was extremely challenging to put my dad’s enigmatic personality into words, I enjoyed plowing through the speech-writing, digging deep, and bringing my dad back to life in honor of his death in a way that helped others see him in his totality for the first time. I wondered about my ability to reach out to people through my writing and create connection.  Was there a way I could do more of that?

I also became aware of how much energy I had when writing personal emails, especially if the person really meant something to me. My writing would take on this HUGE significance of expressing myself, containing a massive amount of energy of the wanting for someone else to really “see” me, “feel” me and “get” me, and I would spend hours on these emails, reading and re-reading every paragraph, sentence, and word, sculpting, nurturing, and generating what I hoped would be the perfect energetic expression.

Skip to 2 years later.  I take a class with a woman named Blossom Benedict.  She is not just any ordinary woman.  She is actually one of the most extra-ordinary women I have ever had the extreme pleasure of being on the planet with.  Yea, Yea, Yea, – she’s attractive; quite beautiful actually, with long wavy light brown hair, dancing and caring brown eyes, a stunning figure, and fabulous clothes.  That’s the surface stuff and it’s very nice and pleasing.  But it’s what else she is that draws you in –  she is a pixie, a wood fairie, a princess — she exudes magic and fairy kingdoms and far away places that we hear about only in fairy tales. Basically, you want to follow her anywhere because it will be a “Blossom Adventure” and you want what she’s having.

So I begin reading everything on her website, all her Facebook posts and blogs, watching her videos, and basically devouring all her creations, inspirations, revelations, and insights.  And naturally, I sign up for her 30-Day Body Challenge.  It included weekly telecalls, a secret Facebook group with daily posts from Blossom, and the ability to contribute posts that would only be seen by the people signed up for the challenge.  Everyone started posting immediately.  I was amazed at what everyone was sharing and although feeling very shy and insecure, I wanted to join in.  I had something I was itching to say and I wanted to participate and interact with this group, so I created my very first Facebook share and trembled as I clicked POST.

Well, that wasn’t so bad, putting myself out there for the first time.  I wasn’t pillaged, stoned or raped so that was a relief.  And then the urge came back to do it again and again and again.  I loved the energy of knowing that I was in an energetically “safe” space to create, share and be received and I wanted to do more of it.  I LOVED knowing that I could say whatever I wanted to, no matter how vulnerable or secret even, and it would be OK.  Others were doing the same – sharing some awesome awarenesses about themselves and their relationships with their bodies and really asking for change and new possibilities.  I felt inspired every day during that challenge as I pondered all the posts and exercises that Blossom would articulate and suggest.

And a spark had been lit inside me.  I wanted to share more, write more, BE in the space of creating and imagining MORE from deep inside.  Where else could I share my inner musings?  Well, I did have a Facebook page that I hadn’t ever contributed anything to.  Could I actually start posting some stuff there?

And so we come back to full circle.  I may have thought deep down that if I gave in to all this writing stuff, it would peter out, become annoying, disappear…that the flow would flow out, that someone would or could take it away from me, that it wasn’t really mine to start with, but somehow borrowed or on loan temporarily. That my deepest fear of losing my inner inspiration or gifts would somehow come true and that I should never have opened that can of worms in the first place…

But none of that has come to pass.  If anything, I am beginning to settle in with my barely uncovered, just in it’s beginning birthing place of writing, and I am in awe of it’s beauty and vulnerability, its willingness to BE there for me, its relentless energy and ideas and its amazing and really comfy/cozy place within me.  It’s almost like my writing capacity wants to take care of and contribute to ME.

And even after all that yumminess with my initial writing, I do still have some fears going on. One recently when I got snowed in and felt like all of a sudden, I no longer had anything to say or contribute.  I mean, nothing was coming out!  I was like “yep, I told you so! This writing thing will not last, it’s all dried up in less than a month!” But I took an Access Consciousness class, got some inspiration, and some thought provoking conversations, and I was up and running again. There is absolutely, without a doubt, a connection between my taking Access Consciousness classes and my newfound ability to share more of me.  I’m not sure if it’s a confidence thing or just a humongous boost in my awareness, probably both.

Then another fear was that if I was unable to put my ideas down immediately (as they twirled and swirled around in my head all day long once they knew I was game to play with them), they would get frustrated and leave, never to return again.  Well, number one, I realized I could ask for these ideas to wait for me till I was ready and able to write them down, and number two, if they really wanted to get out in the world, and they really wanted me to be the one to present them, then they would also have to wait till I was able to write them down and to please be patient with me cause I really wanted to be the one to share them.

The cool thing is that my posts have seemed to take on a will of their own.  Like baby birds who I coddle and love and nurture and discipline relentlessly – finally they are like, “ENOUGH mom!! We are ready to fly, let us go already!!” And even if I am not so sure I’m done writing or that I have truly conveyed to exact perfection what I want to say, I throw them up and out into the universe to soar and see where the energy takes them.  Almost like once I let them go, they are not even mine anymore but part of everyone and everything else.

I used to feel that I didn’t really have anything that was just part of me, no matter what –that things about me would come and go.  And now, I’ll be in some random daily situation in my life and all of sudden remember…Oh, yea, there’s something waiting for me whenever I choose, whenever I can get back to it, that I really like to do, that is not dependent on anyone or anything else! And a warmth starts to spread throughout my entire body at the realization that I have a special knowing and am SO relieved that there really is something for me to contribute in this world that is the amazing gift of me.